BE DEAD!
by wrongturn
Summary: Humour and tiny amounts of fluff. Harry and Draco fanon in a nutshell.


DISCLAIMER: do you really have to ask?? 

a/n: emmmm... so you'll be reading this then? Pardon the strange start. Can't really say if its slash or not. Depends how you think, really. 

Draco: I'm so misunderstood! 

Harry: I'm really gorgeous - and a great kisser! 

Draco: Harry! Stick to the damn script! 

Harry: But… 

Draco: Do it or I'll Avada you. 

Harry: But it's true! 

Draco: No. It isn't. People in fan fictions make it up for reviews. Now please continue. 

Harry: *sigh* *loud paper rustling* It was just for split second I saw behind that mask of hatred and into the confused and **vulnerable** eyes of DRACO SODDING MALFOY! I can't WORK like this! I've had to have **said, thought, or written,** these lines about a hundred times in fan fiction already! 

Draco: So? Have you read up on ME? I'm so bloody misunderstood and abused and God **knows** what else! And my **HAIR!** Hair that hair is **supposedly** my best feature! Alabaster! The palest shade of gold! You name the simile of WHITE and I'll find it for you! 

Harry: You forgot your eyes. 

Draco: Shut up! My father beats me! 

Harry: No he doesn't! 

Draco: Yuh huh! And I'm forced to be Voldemort's successor - but I _really, really_ am good inside! 

Harry: Yeah, but I get killed in loads of them. And you know JK would never kill ME!! VIVA HARRY POTTER! 

Draco: Oh shut up. You realise in the majority of the fan fictions, we're shagging. 

Harry: MALFOY!! 

Draco: What?! It's **TRUE!**

Harry: Those fic's were rated **R** for a reason!! 

Draco: *looks shifty* What fic's? 

Harry: You aren't old enough to read them! 

Draco: HARRY JAMES POTTER! I am thirty years old in LOADS of them, I think I'm okay. 

Harry: *Darkly* You're fifteen. 

Draco: Now I am, but just wait a few years. 

Harry: Eh? 

Draco: **Shut up!** I'm misunderstood! 

Harry: *flatly* You are not. 

Draco: I am, and Crabbe and Goyle actually have verbal exchanges. 

Harry: **LIAR!!!**

Draco: They do! I **SWEAR**!! 

Blaise: I swear too. 

Draco: HAH!! Girl-Boy! 

Blaise: SHUT UP!! 

Harry: Huh? 

Draco: Can you shag you're self? 

Harry: What? 

Blaise: *hits Draco* I'm not a girl-boy! 

Draco: Yes you are. 

Harry: What are you then? 

Blaise: *cries* I don't know… 

Draco: I can shag you either way. 

All: *silence* 

Draco: Ehm… *cough* Strictly story speaking, of course. 

All: *relieve half-convinced laughs* Oh yeah! 

Draco: And Harry! 

Harry: What? 

Draco: Go read the fic's, I always beat you at Quidditch. 

Harry: You do NOT!! 

Blaise: Er… he does. 

Harry: *Smacks Blaise around the head* 

Blaise: HE DOESN'T!! BWUHAHA!! 

Draco: Shut up! *Avada's him* 

Harry: *mutters* You'd never really go through with that in the story. 

Draco: Pity… *sighs* He was my best friend. 

Harry: You've never spoken! 

Draco: So? 

Harry: *looks blank* 

Draco: Despite the fact I've never spoken to Blaise, don't know shit about him, never seen him in class or mentioned him, we - apparently - are still excessively close. Or otherwise Blaise is flirting with me despite the gender. Either way I'm good. 

Harry: So what? I'm sexgod and an amazing kisser. 

Draco: Yeah, **whatever**

Harry: Yum hum. And there's not a damn thing you can do with it! OH! And _I_ get to meet my parents. ALL the time. 

Draco: You do NOT. 

Harry: I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to deny everything! 

Draco: I'm so sorry Harry! Please forgive me! 

Harry: WHAT? 

Author: Sorry. Its just me. Draco's just so out of character all the time its hard to keep my mind focused. 

Harry: Hey, its okay! Have a chocolate frog. 

Author: Aww, *sniffles* Thank you, Harry. 

Draco: ANYWAY? 

Harry: Oh yeah! You do not **know** how many times I've travelled time. In fact, it's a regular occurrence. 

Draco: *snickers* Yeah, like you getting turn into GIRL! 

Harry: NO! 

Draco: YEAH! I READ THEM HARRY JAMES POTTER! 

Harry: But I thought I set the computer on fire before you could read them!? 

Author: I thought **Ron** did that! 

Harry: Oh, er… ah… erm. 

Draco: Why are you even IN this? I thought the point of selecting the **Harry Potter** category was to be about US? NOT that I am anything to do with **him** of course! 

Harry: I resent that! 

Draco: More than you know! 

Harry: Huh? 

Draco: It sounded good. 

Harry: Ah. 

Draco: Blame the author. 

Author: WHY?! 

Draco: Because. 

Author: Its not like I don't have enough problems as it is! Coming to terms with you not being real! 

Harry: My life is so miserable! 

Draco: YOU?! I'm practically a schitzo with all these different characters running about. 

Author: *snickers* I know. All shagging Harry. 

Harry: *howls* I wish we could bring Sirius back! 

Author: Me too. 

Draco: ROT IN HELL **CONVICT!**

Author & Harry: *whacks him in outrage* 

Harry: Isn't there anything you can do?! 

Author: Yeah, I phoned Rowling up last night. He's back in it. 

Harry: YAY! 

Draco: *snorts* **YAY**? 

Sirius: I'm BACK! 

Harry: *runs to hug him* 

Draco: Avada Kedavra. 

Sirius: *Drops down dead* 

Harry: *starts weeping* You **EVIL! EVIL **creature! 

Sirius: *dizzily* s'okay. S'fine. I'm OKAY. 

Harry: *stares* 

Author: *whacks Malfoy around the head* I'm the author. I decide who dies. Bad Malfoy. 

Draco: *sulks* AVADA KEDRAVRA 

Author: AAAHHH! MELTING…!! 

Draco: *CACKLES* 

Author: Heh. This isn't The Wizard of Oz! Ha ha. 

Draco: ARGH! 

Author: You'll pay! 

Draco: Oh, yeah? 

Author: Yeah! 

Draco: Oh, yeah? 

Author: Don't give that look. 

Draco: Look? Me? 

_Draco stands stock still while vultures come in and viciously rip him apart. But not before realising that his childhood was wasted on taking abuse from his father and denied feelings for a certain green eyed - _

Draco: GARGH! No! Okay I'll behave! *cries* Okay! 

Author: Ha. 

Draco: *deadpan* I did not cry. 

Author: I know, but it looks better like that. 

Draco: Ah. 

Author: Are they ignoring us? 

Draco: You want me to Avada them? 

Author: NO! …Well, only Sirius. Harry can't be happy. It goes against everything JK stands for. 

Draco: AVADA KEDAVRA! 

Harry: Nooooo! *leaps in front of Sirius* 

Sirius: **ARGH**! 

Harry: *drops down dead* 

Author: Like the alliteration on my part? 

Draco: Mmm. Classy. 

Author: You're not bad yourself. Sugar. 

Harry: Hey! I'm still alive! SIRIUS! NOOO!! 

Author: *sighs* When will you come to realise, Harry. I control you all. HA! 

Harry: You don't! 

Author: Draco? You have seen the extend of my powers, no? I can make you the happiest person you've ever seen! (Albeit turn you into a Mary Sue) but still! I can give life to the lifeless at the drop of a hat! Hell I can do whatever I want! And you're **POWERLESS! _POWERLESS_** do you here?! **POWERLESS!** *runs off arms flailing and cackling* 

Draco: Wow. 

Harry: I know. 

Draco: I thought she'd never leave. 

Harry: Really? 

Draco: Yeah, she wouldn't let me Avada you. 

Harry: *gulp* what? 

Draco: *evilly* you heard! 

Harry: *gulp again* I never liked the evil-Draco. 

Draco: Really?! 

Harry: *nods* Really, really. 

Draco: Not ever? 

Harry: Nope. 

Draco: Never ever? 

Harry: Nuh uh. 

Draco: *put out* Never turned you on? 

Harry: Sorry. 

Draco: Well how about crazy-Veela-Draco? 

Harry: Well that one wasn't too bad… 

Draco: *Whimpers* The Abused-Draco? 

Harry: No, we both had to cry lots. 

Draco: *sniffles* but wasn't that… **inspiring**? 

Harry: *shuffles feet* Not really... 

Draco: What about the Get-in-to-a-fight-and-kiss-madly-Draco? 

Harry: Okay, so even I admit that was kind of a turn on. 

Draco: *manages a smile* and the alternate-reality one? 

Harry: My head always hurt after that. 

Draco: *huffy* Then what **DID **turn you on? 

Harry: Where people come up with elaborate ways to get us locked up in a room together… 

Author: *cough cough* 

Draco: *snorts* And what about my didn't-want-to-be-a-death-eater-in-the-first-place-Draco?! 

Harry: *roars with laughter* OH YEAH! And that -I-don't-want-to-be-Voldemort's-heir-Draco! As if Voldemort would chose you be heir! 

Draco: *pounces* You just WAIT!! 

Author: Enough, enough! 

Draco: Oh shut up, you know you wanted it. 

Author: Hem, hem. Excuse me? 

Draco: OH YEAH! Don't act all **innocent**! You were about to go with the steamy-kiss-in-the-moment-of-passion! 

Author: I WAS NOT! I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my entire **life **! 

Draco: *climbs off Harry* Well, just don't let it happen again. 

Author: *grumbles* What am I paying you for? 

Draco: You're paying us? I thought you were lying! 

Author: *clears throat* Well now you mention it, I **have** just had my ass sued off… 

Draco: Wait! 

Harry: You said we could turn out to be twins **separated at birth!** You lousy stinkin' liar! 

Author: What the **hell** did you call me?! Be his bloody brother! You always end up with some sort of missing relative **ANYWAY!** See if _I_ care! 

Draco: The odds are three to one that it turns out to be Granger. 

Harry: HERMIONE?! 

Draco: Fourteen to one on Lupin being your **father**. 

Harry: *eyes fill with tears* 

Draco: You have more chance of being all four house heirs - AND BLOODY BEJESUS'S! You have, too! 

Harry: *snickers* What did you just say? 

Draco: *consults chart* And you could even be related to Merlin on your mudblood side! Hell Harry! You're relatives got around! 

Harry: *frowns* that didn't sound very **nice**. 

Draco: AND **OH MY GOD! **In nineteen out of twenty fan fictions you defeat **THE DARKLORD!** And before your **seventh** year! 

Harry: *modest* Well, now you come to mention it… 

Draco: HAH! But this pie chart shows that in seventy two percent of fan fiction Dumbledore dies! 

Harry: *gasps* He does NOT! 

Draco: Oh, yes my darling, he does! And only because a further **sixteen percent** don't mention it! 

Harry: I'll kill you! **I'll kill you ALL!**

Author: All statistics are bias on my part. Don't get you're panties in a twist. 

Harry: Phew! You almost had me there. 

Author: *raises eyebrows* You are really **WEIRD**, you know that? 

Draco: Hey, I'm the one who always ends up shagging him. 

Author: Rolls eyes. I'll Avada you in a minute. 

Draco: Ooh. Please no! 

Author: Shut up. You're sarcasm is distracting. 

Draco: - 

Author: shut up 

Draco: - 

Author: Shut up 

Harry: Excuse me? 

Author: Yes Harry bunny, dear? 

Draco: Hey! 

Harry: What's your name? 

Author: All mighty God supreme. Oh, no… wait. 

Draco: *snickers* Well? 

Author: That was my nickname. Don't worry. No biggie. 

Draco: *snorts* No **biggie**?! 

Author: Yes. Now shut up. Harry honey bunny bear, my name is Marina Susannah Starmagicbeautifulmysteriousbutterflylove. 

Harry: Do you want a tissue for that? 

Draco: Do you have Russian roots? 

Author: No, Harry darling baby, I'm fine. You see, I can do wandless magic, conjure things out of thin air, or transfigure Draco's head into one. Did you know, I am also stunningly beautiful, can assume any Animagus form, come from America because I was so smart I was ahead of the class, and have Veela roots as far back as Mortina deTout? Everyone's in love with my but I don't realise it. 

Harry: Sounds like me. 

Draco: *Snickers* You're making this up as you go along. 

Author: I am not! I have never heard such a rediculous in my entire life. 

Draco: You're making about as much sense as a fermented rats spleen. 

Author: *Gapes* 

Snape & Lupin: We're getting married! 

Author: *Cries* What about SIRIUS?! 

Snape: He's dead. 

Sirius: I'm bloody not! 

Snape: *speechless* 

Author: SHUT UP! Be dead like I told you to! 

Sirius: Sorry. My apologies. 

Author: Don't let it happen again. 

Sirius: Sorry. 

Author: BE DEAD!! 

Sirius: *lies down and closes his eyes* 

Author: STOP PEAKING! 

Sirius: Sorry. 

Author: BE DEAD! 

Blaise: What about me? 

Author: *huffy* What NOW? 

Blaise: Did you forget about me? 

Author: WHY are you still here? 

Blaise: Because it's not easy trying to crawl to the door without you noticing me. 

Author: Ah. 

Blaise: Mmm. 

Author: Ah. 

Blaise: Mmm. 

Athor: Ah. 

Blaise: Mmm. 

Author: BE DEAD! 

~*~*~ 

Author: And because this story has no point to it, I'm just going to leave it at that. And phew, that was really long for my incredibly short habit. You have no idea how long that took to html into paragraphs. My fingers have been worn down to stumps from all that typing. 

So, if my rebellious characters have not put you off, you've read the whole way through and are reading this, hopefully. This was just something I wrote out of my head, but I could continue if anyone likes it?? 

Reviews of what you liked/hated, or just fluffy reviews appreciated and welcomed. 

Sirius: Bye. 

Author: BE DEAD!! 


End file.
